It has been really difficult day for me because a year ago today, I was clinically dead for ten minutes on the campus of the world’s famous university for Deaf people, Gallaudet University. In the same room where Dwight Benedict was in, he was walking down the aisle with a smirk because he had the hatred towards me—it was really difficult for me to think that way. How can I forget that? It is impossible to forget something like this.
My story must be seen, written, and examined. I grow tired and sick of people telling me to live in PAST. People do not know my life stories what exactly happened. It has been always HEARSAY. People choose to ignore my stories. Especially when a lot of people do not know the facts cannot comprehend what they were listening or do not care what the facts are and make up their own stories.
Do you think it was professional of Dwight to smirk when someone else is dead? Many of faculty members witnessed in that room what Dwight did and would vouch for me whenever I need support. He is still walking around campus with power and the same smirk he carries.
When you see the statue of Laurent Clerc on Gallaudet campus, this is one of the most iconic symbols of America—a beacon of hope and acceptance for Deaf people everywhere. So how did coming to Gallaudet University become a crime? Deaf returning citizens are bad news! Make them suffer! Give them the death stare!
If we look at the history of Dwight Benedict’s bullying tactics for the last 37 years, being “Deaf returning citizen” usually just means being “unwanted” and more often than not, that has to do with ignorance and hatred. There are plenty of widespread insecurities at Gallaudet University. As an intellectual community, we the Deaf now seem to exist in permanent fear of the oblivion in the top university leadership, worrying about whether we can survive Dwight’s leadership.
At the same time, at Gallaudet University, we the Deaf appear uncomfortable with the hatred of Dwight’s leadership. The same leadership, so often the means to our advancement, now finds itself under a cloud of power that it falls under a wrong agenda. Disenchanted with Dwight’s past history yet fearful of our future, why are Deaf people—especially people of color and marginalized group struck in Dwight’s leadership where a mood of fear, hatred and low expectations influence our discussion and discourses on many fronts—where our higher education continues to be seen as the problem rather than the challenge.
I worked extremely hard to change my life around and I made an ultimate goal to be a professor. I even made name tags as a personal identification when I arrived in DC and put it around my neck to remind myself. I was so determined more than anything.
This irrational insight against the grain of oppressed Deaf people on the campus, which teaches that hatred and bullying by Dwight does not lack human compassion. Deaf people in their struggle for social justice—are ignored because Dwight gets away with it. There have been many stories from Kendall Green about Dwight’s 37 years of oppressive leadership. A great many of damages were done, and many Deaf people were hurt.
My constitutional rights has been violated of due process and amounts to Cruel and Unusual Punishment, Eighth Amendment under United States Constitution and Dwight made it very difficult for me to receive higher education and set me up for harassment, public humiliation and bullying long after I served my time.
In February 27, 2014 meeting I was in, the most oppressive meeting ever I experienced in my entire life, he loved the idea very much where his buddy, Ted Baran, Director for DPS whom Dwight calls Ted in the meeting, “Ted is a good man” front of four other people brought up that I must be required to notify my graduate cohort, and walk around the entire Gallaudet campus and must tell everyone why I was jailed for with ugly labeling on my forehead. I was shocked. I already experienced humiliation and harassment at times when I would be at Gallaudet. No doubt, Dwight Benedict opened my old wounds. Dwight and Ted acted as Judge, Jury, and Executioner. The bald faced truth is that they should held accountable.
Even though it has happened 30 years ago, still, I am set up for extreme public shaming and harassment. I had been a good returning citizen more than 20 years and paid no more than $100,000 in counseling and worked very hard to change my life around and graduated with three degrees all with honors even though I had been experiencing thousands and thousands of times being humiliated in my life. I’ve dealt with hearing counselors who do not understand my journey as Deaf person. I realized it was total lie and waste of money and time. Until I found Deaf-centered counseling, I cried and….
Did I deserve “scarlet letter” for the rest of my life? Am I allowed to become a productive member of society? I am really sick of people telling me to live in the past and live with the stigma. Horrible lies about me, making me look really bad and I lost almost everything. It’s really hard for me. I cry. I cry. I cry. I suffer more. I suffer more. I suffer more.
Dr. Pernessa Steele, author of “Stand Up to Stigma: How We Reject Fear and Shame” writes: “Stigma” is a simple two-syllable word, yet it carries the weight of negative and often unfair beliefs that we hold about those who are different from us. Stigmas lock people into stereotyped boxes and deny us all the right to be our authentic and whole selves.
I already had been ostracized from Gallaudet community. Dwight made sure to do more harm than good, with my commitment to turn my life around. I lost my scholarship, I lost my dream job, I lost networking opportunities, I lost pretty much everything and I became the scapegoat on the campus. That is exactly the cruel and unusual punishment. That was the sign of death.
When I woke up on the floor that day, I cried. I still remember being carried out of the room on the emergency stretcher and saw people hand waving at me and I put both of my thumbs letting them know that I’m still strong. Then I was rushed into emergency surgery and carried to an intensive care unit (ICU). The television on right side was turned on—and the presidential election results were still pending.
The worst part was….I was still in extreme shock wondering how I survived from massive heart attack. The election results—did not finalize until 3 AM and became even more heart-broken that Trump was elected. The rises of hate crimes begun. Then I finally fell asleep for only three hours until the nurses woke me up and said, “Time for injections”—my first reaction when I woke up hoping it was only a dream. Only I find it was not a dream. I stayed in the hospital for ten long days. Longest stay in my life.
Do you all remember how you felt when you woke up on November 9th of 2016 morning?
Many people who walked around from Gallaudet University have caught up and suffered in the idea that Dwight thinks he is always right, and that the way Dwight acts is best. But he was wrong in Gallaudet University. What happened with the due process? Why I was not informed with required due process?
Due process means that Gallaudet University cannot give me a serious punishment, like suspension or expulsion, without first having followed fair procedures to determine if I am “bad news”. Fair procedure would include: telling me exactly what I was “bad news”, telling me exactly what the punishment will be, and giving me a chance to tell my side of the story before punishing me. If Gallaudet chooses to punish me, it must punish all others the same. I was never given a chance to do due process. I felt numb.
When I woke up from death, some people who are loyal to Dwight, told me to shut up and stay in silence. Right now Dwight is walking around freely with a smirk and will not apologize for his actions what he had done. It was the most incompetent decision Gallaudet University chooses to keep Dwight in his office. I was targeted by Dwight’s openly discriminatory policies and the discriminatory policies will be always remembered for abuse of power and corruption on the wrong side of professionalism.
For the last 365 days since my death, I wonder if I actually die, the truth would not be seen.
On November 8, 2016, in SAC 1011, the event, “Deaf in Prison Screening & Discussion” sponsored by Gallaudet ASL & Deaf Studies, the very same department I was part of which was very ironic, and the reason they sponsored this because Dirksen Bauman wanted to do this to cover his ass. Complete bullshit. I asked a question for the audience that will be always remembered for long time, “Why Gallaudet University promote FEAR targeting Deaf returning citizens?” and Dwight was in the same room standing in the back giving me a death stare and that was where I had massive heart attack. Dwight was walking down the aisle—slowly and a smirk. Cool, huh?
My death experience has made me stronger than ever. I recently learned that there has been some “talk” around Gallaudet campus that Dwight might retire early—well, there is no way he would walk away with it. My death does not give him full satisfaction and sit in the sun with a smirk. Will Dwight ever experience death for ten minutes and wake up and realize that he is asshole? It was all about personal attack against me as a motivation to new heights of fervor. Master Yoda said: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Copyright © 2017 Jason Tozier
This text may be freely copied in its entirely only, including this copyright message.
There are millions of Deaf people have been traumatized through the society mechanics of fear. America as a nation has also built by Deaf people as well, too.
Every day, a single Deaf person will most likely experience Audism even though they may not know they experienced it. Imagine all those times what they have endured through difficult conditions in hopes of better lives in America.
Every day, they have been questioned for being state of Deaf. The cracks of freedom in the pursuit of happiness have been harshly questioned. As the word, “Deaf”—as in fricative sound like ‘death’—in the world of Audism, Deaf people escape from the brink of death.
Fear. As I looked up the definition of ‘fear’—be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening. We have all faced with primal fear. Fear is one of the most powerful emotions. The book I would highly recommend for any one who have the love for reading–the author, Barry Glassner makes a lot of good points about minorities.
It is sad that hearing people would think fearful of Deaf people. They are the one who threatens Deaf people in the first place. Deaf people live in the face of fear—not hearing people. It is not fair for them to deal with this in the land of so-called freedom.
If hearing people are so fearful about Deaf people, they should ask sociological questions about American Sign Language (ASL), they have to realize that ASL is a human language.
In questioning Deaf people, do they have a reason shaped by their power, a cognitive unconscious to which they have direct access to patronize Deaf people? Who are Deaf people? What is their morality? How do hearing people understand Deaf people? And so on.
Let’s start with Milan Conference known as The Second International Congress on Education of the Deaf in 1880. The historical start of hate crimes is the dehumanization of Deaf people in order to use them as punching bags. Compound in Milano, Italy and headquartered and campground to train and build up a hate movement.
100 years later in 1980s, Alexander Graham Bell ideology where they became more powerful that time and created counter-movement and believe that there are needs to be funding for AGBell and dehumanize Deaf people’s righteous lives. They want to do:
Deaf people can be replaced. They are all just sub-humans. Minority crime. Collective ignorance. Illegal cover-up and regulation. Coded in one factor: Deaf people. Hate crimes are so invisible even in Deaf community.
It is important for Deaf people and hearing allies to attend ASL/Deaf Pride rally in the nation’s capital sponsored by Audism Free America (AFA). Celebrating 200 years of America’s first Deaf Education planted its seeds and we shall preserve the seeds to grow tomorrow.
I encourage people to attend the rally to be part of it. There is no need to be fearful of Deaf people that include Deaf returned citizens. There is no reason to be fearful of Deaf people. They also are the reason they make America beautiful.
Copyright @ 2017 Jason Tozier
This text may be freely copied in its entirely only, including this copyright message.
So, I went beyond the imagination: Star Trek. Live, long, and prosper! When I died for ten minutes on November 8th, 2016 at Gallaudet University—no, I am not kidding! I ACTUALLY DIED FOR TEN MINUTES because of massive heart attack and cardiac arrest. It was one of the worst experience I ever faced with. While being in hospital, I saw the true colors of Deaf people I know—one person who sent me wishing that I should die that day. That was cheap shot because, for one, I am way smarter and stronger than that person. Before I begin writing the whole blog, this has been my fifth heart attack. Try to be in my SHOES.
One Deaf person who left a comment saying that I did not share enough about death experience—well, that person has no idea that it really hit me hard that day. I was going through series of emotions—it was something that you have to guard your strength at times. Actually, it made me stronger and realized that I have nothing to lose or even nothing to hide either.
Who and what decides if I experience death—is it part of society or a social outliner? Normalcy here seems is defined as the use of all of the physical and basic mental facilities common to human beings in order for a person to be considered a contributing member of their environment. Death—is something that it is not funny at all—especially wishing that I should be died that day. At the same time, death is part of human make up and should be the focus of personal inventories.
Experiencing death was hard to explain, really—if only such a concise way of summing up what ties people together underneath it all. Seeking out various uses of our bodies solely for face value normalcy leaves no room for depth in any arena.
The first question, “Did you see anything when you died, like did you see the light of tunnel or something?” Well, let me say, whether the neurons and synapses that fire with each thought are capable of rerouting to avoid negative thinking and connotation or if some brain function is innate and unavoidable. The ability to change ones thought process and reaction to information instead of just the reaction is difficult because time allows the processes time to build foundations strong enough for skyscrapers.
Where happiness and peace can reside, a myriad of negative emotions take root like redwoods and darken mental space with their dense foliage. Wishing my death make up only a few of the many branches. It is human to want more than what is provided. The 1992 novel, Smilia’s Sense of Snow paints a good picture of this desire:
First, you have the natural numbers. The ones that are whole and positive. The numbers of a small child. But human consciousness expands. The child discovers a sense of longing, and do you know what the mathematical expression is for longing…the negative numbers. The formalization of the feeling that you are missing something. And human consciousness expands and grows even more, and the child discovers the in between spaces. Between stones, pieces of moss on the stones, people and numbers. And do you know what that leads to?
It leads to frictions. Whole numbers plus fractions produce rational numbers. And human consciousness doesn’t stop there. It wants to go beyond reason. It adds an operation as absurd as the extraction of roots. And produces irrational numbers…It’s a form of madness. Because the irrational numbers are infinite. They can’t be written down. They force human consciousness our beyond the limits. And by adding irrational numbers to rational numbers, you get real numbers.. It doesn’t help. It never stops. Because now, on the spot, we expand the real numbers with the imaginary square roots of negative numbers. These are numbers we can’t picture, numbers that normal human consciousness cannot comprehend.
And when we add the imaginary numbers to the real numbers, we have the complex number system. The first number system in which it’s possible to explain satisfactorily the crystal formation of ice. It’s like a vast, open landscape. The horizons. You head toward them and they keep receding ——written by Peter Hoeg, a Danish writer.